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(verso da música “Adorela” – DJ Dolores)
Por que as mulheres dos anúncios de margarina parecem tão mais felizes do que eu? Elas acordam sempre com sol, de bom hálito e maquiadas, nunca tiveram crise no casamento nem oscilações hormonais. Deve ser por causa do bom colesterol.
Sou chegada a um pão com manteiga, admito. Já tomei um ou outro porre mesmo sem gostar de beber e já devo ter feito coisa pior mas não vou ficar me penitenciando em público. O que eu fiz ou deixei de fazer por mim mesma, assumo e assino embaixo, sem culpa. Foram meus arroubos e também meus cuidados; minhas covardias e minha coragem.
Mas desde que tive filho, venho colecionando alguns momentos de que me arrependo, e não posso modificá-los.
Todo mundo lembra do dia em que aprendeu a andar de bicicleta, não é? Pois é, eu queria estar bem nessa fita, na memória afetiva do meu filho, num dia ensolarado na casa de seu avô em Angra dos Reis. Estava tudo conspirando para um perfeito anúncio de Becel. Mas eu me comportei como uma generala, dava 20 instruções ao mesmo tempo, bufava, virava os olhos e cheguei a ser mesmo estúpida, até cair em mim do ridículo da cena e delegar a função ao jovem caseiro, que teve muito mais psicologia – e obteve muito melhores resultados que eu, é lógico.
De nada adiantam agora meus insistentes pedidos de desculpas, os chamegos e muito menos a cansativa explicação sobre tpm. Num único intervalo comercial de seu desenho preferido, ele pode ver pelo menos cinco mães exemplares e equilibradas que alimentam seus filhos com gelatina, nescau e biscoitos e que não deixam dúvidas sobre quão má eu sou.
No entanto ele continua a repetir (contra todas as evidências) a cada vez que me abraça: “Você é a melhor mãe do mundo!”
As mulheres-margarina podem ser muito saudáveis e eu nem ousaria comparar nossos triglicerídeos, mas numa coisa eu me garanto: o melhor filho do mundo, quem tem sou eu.
* * *
Manual de obstruções
Fiquei dois dias sem internet. Tentei relevar o quanto pude, utilizando técnicas zen de esvaziamento da mente mas, afinal, vencida pela urgência das telecomunicações, resolvi enfrentar o inglório tele-atendimento da Net/ Vírtua. Depois de algumas horas de teclagens, códigos, musiquinhas e irritantes mensagens comerciais, fui afinal atendida por um ser (quase) humano:
– Em que posso estar lhe ajundando?
– Estou sem sinal desde ontem.
– Em sua área não constam problemas de sinal, estaremos agendando uma visita em 48 horas para estarmos verificando seu modem.
– Mas olha só, outro computador da minha casa, ligado a um outro modem num ponto com entrada independente, que passa inclusive por outra linha telefônica, ficou sem sinal no mesmo momento. Isso mostra que não é um problema do meu modem, pois como dois equipamentos diferentes podem ficar com defeito ao mesmo tempo?
– No computador não consta problema de sinal em sua área. Nós temos que mandar o técnico verificar o modem, é o procedimento.
– (Inspiro fundo e expiro em oito tempos)…mas isso vai levar mais dois dias e vai mobilizar um técnico à toa. Meu rapaz, deixe o manual de lado e use seu bom senso um instante.
– Minha senhora, não posso estar usando meu bom senso porque é contra os procedimentos da empresa.
– … (confesso que fiquei sem palavras.)
Vencida pela incomunicabilidade, agendei a visita. É claro que o problema se resolveu horas depois, como por milagre, nos dois computadores, antes da chegada do técnico. Como eu previa, não havia nada de errado com o modem, era problema do sinal que ultimamente, dia sim dia não, some por algumas horas sem explicação. Difícil foi enfrentar os procedimentos (des)necessários à desmarcação da visita.
Eu gostaria muito de ter acesso ao manual de regras do tele-atendimento da Net. Posso imaginar os termos:
“Cláusula primeira: é expressamente proibido usar de bom-senso no exercício da função.
Cláusula segunda: é obrigatório estar se expressando em paulistês gerúndico.
Cláusula terceira: o computador é soberano e suas informações são incontestáveis, ainda que absurdas.
Cláusula quarta (secreta): este é um experimento de laboratório para testar os limites da paciência humana. Para o bem da experiência, toda e qualquer facilitação da vida do usuário será punida com o rigor da lei.”
Vendo por esse ângulo, eu diria que eles são de uma eficiência absoluta. ISO 9005.
* * *
Eu não vim pra explicar
Minha querida amiga Lenora pediu semana passada uma pesquisa séria sobre o Amor e, embora eu muito quisessse agradá-la, não posso eslarecer ninguém acerca deste assunto. Tampouco saberia fazer pesquisa sobre tema tão controverso, sobre o qual já discorreram, com as mais bizarras conclusões, de Platão a Roberto Carlos – não saberia nem por onde começar. Uma busca de segundos no Google levou a oito milhões, oitocentos e dez mil sites sobre o assunto. Isso se eu quiser me limitar à lingua pátria; “love” levaria a nada menos que cento e dezoito milhões. (ei, reparou na estranha coincidência dos números? 8.810.000 ; 118.000.000 – estes números foram exatos na minha pesquisa, saíram assim redondos, juro! Será que é um sinal, será que algo me está para ser revelado sobre o amor?) – tá vendo, este é o tipo de pesquisa “séria” que eu faço!
É isso, do amor eu só espero o milagre, a coincidência divina, a revelação. O resto é conversa pra filósofo dormir.
Então vamos parar de conversa e sejamos práticos:
Amem (do verbo Amar, no Imperativo Categórico Universal)
Amém (Assim seja)
É a minha opinião. E nada mais posso dizer do que desconheço, não posso garantir e no entanto creio com mais fé que em Deus. Ainda que em vão, eu amo até prova em contrário.

38 Responses to “A minha dor é Doriana, a dor dela é Adorela”

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