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Um amigo está no corredor da morte, esperando a vez.
Mas não está conformado, não. Interpõe todos os recursos cabíveis para adiar a execução. É jovem, ainda não tem 40 anos, filhos pequenos, mulher dedicada, esses detalhes que engendram a pergunta de revolta: – Por quê eu?
Tudo começou no ano passado, com um stress.
O stress é um curioso estratagema do organismo para lidar com uma situação-limite. É um sofisticado mecanismo de sobrevivência. Imaginem o homem primitivo diante de um urso ou um leão. Assim que o perigo é localizado, o sábio corpo começa a fabricar uma química de emergência, preparando-se para lutar ou fugir. Em segundos, o nosso primitivo tem hormônios despejados em abundância para correr do leão, subir em árvores, não sentir sono, fome ou cansaço e seus sentidos ficam muito mais alertas do que em estado normal. Isto é o stress – a resposta criativa do corpo à situação de exceção.
Mas vamos imaginar que o homem continue a correr do leão por 2, 3, 4 dias. Seu corpo passa a fabricar anestesia. Sem sentir o alerta da dor, o homem pode dar a arrancada final ou sofrer menos, se o leão o alcançar. Novamente, a sabedoria do corpo trabalhando a seu favor.
Meu amigo não correu de um leão, correu atrás de uma cenoura. Mas correu muito. Quando esta situação que deveria ser de emergência se torna crônica, o sábio químico que habita em nós começa a produzir substâncias para se matar. A longo prazo, aquilo que pode nos salvar nos mata. A batalha está perdida mesmo e ele não deve sofrer nas garras do leão. O homem cai morto.
Meu amigo também despencou do alto do seu stress. Era forte, saudável e não sentia nada – claro, estava anestesiado. Não caiu morto, foi socorrido a tempo e levado para um CTI de onde saiu com os olhos esbugalhados: – Por quê eu?
Temos conversado bastante, ultimamente. Os amigos o evitam – ninguém gosta de interlocuções com a morte – ou fazem visitas rápidas, salpicadas de frases hipócritas: – Cara, você vai sair dessa! – Não vai, ele está no corredor.
No corredor, aliás, estamos todos, a diferença é que ele sabe que está lá e nós fingimos que não sabemos.
Eu e o meu amigo falamos sobre morte. Quando lhe perguntei se tinha medo de morrer, ele me agradeceu. E começou a tentar entender seu medo. Conseguiu separar a pena de morrer, a preocupação com a família e o medo propriamente dito. O medo da morte não é o sentimento principal – ele tem mais medo de como vai morrer.
Andou tendo sonhos recorrentes com armaduras e escafandros e teme ficar preso dentro do corpo. Sente-se, hoje, um provável prisioneiro despojado de direitos básicos.
Pensou em deixar um documento para a mulher reiterando, enquanto está perfeitamente lúcido – e está -, que não permite que “façam todo o possível”. Esta possibilidade o apavora.
Gostaria de morrer em casa – “como um patriarca bíblico” – cercado pelos filhos, com algum ritual religioso e podendo dizer as últimas palavras, aquelas que justificam uma vida e, quem sabe, fossem mais importantes para ele do que para quem as ouvisse. Gostaria de uma morte decente, só isso, mas desconfia de que morrerá entubado e mudo, no meio de estranhos. Sem uma reza ou alguém que ame segurando a sua mão. E, pior, talvez condenado a ser um morto-vivo por algum tempo.
Sabe também que ninguém terá poder sobre ele – desde que entrar num hospital ficará à mercê da instituição – e ninguém dará mesmo o piedoso chá-da-meia-noite. Ele tem senso de humor.
– Tenho mais direitos sobre meus bens do que sobre a minha vida – lamenta. – Ela não me pertence e não posso dispôr de mim mesmo como entender.
É uma verdade perversa. Se a morte vier não para matar mas para, primeiro, encarcerar – e ela às vezes age assim – paralisando o corpo e deixando a consciência viva e presa dentro dele, ele precisaria de um amigo.
– Não me olhe com esse olho – eu digo. – É crime!
Ele desmonta o olhar pidão e damos boas risadas.
Mas, que droga, ele é meu amigo. Como está no corredor, pensa muito sobre isso e entende que a morte rápida e indolor é direito de todo condenado.
Eu penso como ele mas não posso fazer nada e amanhã os filhos e amigos não poderão fazer nada por mim, afinal, estamos todos no corredor e todos carregamos uma bomba-relógio-sem-ponteiros, não sabemos quando, só sabemos que detonará, embora as pessoas costumem usar o condicional quando falam da explosão: – “Se um dia explodir…” – explodirá, estejam certos.
O destino do meu amigo é um destino banal, banalíssimo. Está sendo obrigado a olhar para ela, a “indesejada das gentes”, o único enigma que é certo desvendarmos enquanto vivos.
O que está suportando também não é especialmente cruel, quase todos os viventes passaram ou passarão pela experiência. Cruel, talvez, é o que fazem com ele as eficientes equipes de branco, as equipes togadas e tantas outras equipes, meu Deus, que supõem possuir sabedoria maior do que a do seu corpo ou seu desejo.
São alguns artigos num código – votados displicentemente, sem nenhuma reflexão sobre a fraternidade – que transformam o amigo em homicida.
Quem quer que já tenha sacrificado um animal, sabe como são as últimas horas. É uma injeção e fica-se junto. Há um tempo para as lágrimas da despedida e a lembrança dos dias da chegada. Há um tempo para o agradecimento mútuo, o colo e o afago.
Cruel é não podermos fazer pelo amigo o que fazemos, amorosamente, por um cachorro.

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